Stupid Illiterate Barbarians
The veterans stirred the camp fire. Sometimes it was pleasant simply to rest in the unreal space between the worlds. There’s only cocoa and a campfire, but at least both are warm. It was late, and conversation turned to the vexed subject of Anya and her misguided attempts at gifts.
“You know, Anya came through for me once,” said Alcippe quietly.
“Get out of here!” said Kitsilan, not noticing how uncomfortable Alcippe’s sidekick Shikha suddenly looked, and the warning glance that she threw at Kyle. “That bitch always gets it wrong.”
“No really, she gave me these the first time she and I met, back when the world was normal,” said Alcippe, tossing a bundle of Maiden Javelins across without looking up.
The entire camp was speechless at Anya’s uncharacteristic largesse. At last, Kitsilan ventured, “Um, she knew that you only use javelins?”
Alcippe never lifted her gaze from the campfire. “Come on, Kits, you and I were in the same class back in Tran Athulua. It’s plain as Wirt’s Leg, even to a northerner, that I couldn’t string a bow or heft a spear to save my life. I was dead chuffed: good sticks are even harder to find than good bows.”
“Tell me about it,” Kitsilan muttered, tossing them back. “Anya must like you.”
But when she looked up, Alcippe was gone.
“She didn’t mean to be rude,” said her older sister Hippolyta. “Thing is, that whole Anya business is still something of a sore point.”
After a while, Hippolyta continued. “Between her and Qual-Kehk I eventually got the whole story.
“Of course, before she went to visit Anya, Alcippe took the precautions of tossing all her wardrobe of sticks and shields on the floor, even the backup ones in her stash, and borrowing Shikha’s bow, a Zephyr’d composite bow which she was very reluctant to part with for even a few minutes. She can really pump it out with that bow.
“ ‘Look, your grip’s all wrong,’ she said. ‘You’d skin your knuckles if you tried to shoot it like that; especially a bow this fast. Besides, I think you’re just being superstitious.’
“ ‘Just shut up and keep a straight face for five minutes. And don’t slouch like that. I want to make a good impression on this Anya woman and Cain says that they respect a proud bearing and a direct manner.’
“ ‘Oh, that would explain why he’s so well-liked around here then.’
“ ‘Sarcasm doesn’t become you, girl. Now let’s go.’ ”
Hippolyta sipped her cocoa. “Anya took one look at my little sis and pulled out Rune Nails.”
“So Anya did like her,” said Morgana.
Now it was Hippolyta who looked uncomfortable. “It appeared so at first, but the friendship didn’t last long. Alcippe decided to personalise her favourite shield, a Rhyme, because she liked the sound of ‘Alcippe’s Rhyme’. Rather Homeric, she thought. Pithy and understated, yet hinting at its hidden powers. A worthy name for a Hero’s shield. The sort of name that would resonate in stories not yet written.”
“Nice choice,” said Morgana. “Very classical. What went wrong?”
“The stupid bloody illiterate barbarian only went and engraved ‘Alcippe’s Large Shield’ on it instead.”
Morgana blanched.
“ ‘Alcippe’s Large Shield? ALCIPPE’S LARGE BLEEDING SHIELD? What in blazes were you thinking, woman? You’re the daughter of an elder of Harrogath: you of all people should know rune magic when you see it! I mean sheesh, I offed Nihlathak for you, at considerable personal risk I might add, and you stand here the whole while and then can’t even be arsed enough to get the name of my freaking shield right, with Deckard Cain not ten paces away!’
“ ‘Well I never could spell “Rhyme” properly, so I thought I’d better play safe. And to be honest, that Cain fellow you brought along is a bit, um, you know, well, it’s the way he looks at you. I mean, he can be a bit...’
“ ‘Yes, all right. Just ignore him as much as possible, that’s what we do. So what are you going to do about your defacement of my favourite shield? It has considerable sentimental value, I might add, and I am *not* pleased to see it go down in history as “Alcippe’s Large Shield”.’
“ ‘Here, look, I’ve got some unidentified circlets in. This one’s really sparkly.’
“ ‘Ooh, I’ll try that one.’
[ka-ching]
‘Please explain to me how I can benefit from +1 to druid skills.’
“The relationship went downhill pretty fast from there.”
The veterans shuddered. Their Spluggle berries suddenly tasted rather sour.